BurnsySTL

Roger Clemens and his lawyers, Lanny Breuer and Rusty Hardin, finally met with George Mitchell and the House Oversight and Reform Committee this morning, and while it was a private meeting I used my famously psychic abilities to monitor the proceedings through most of the morning. I would have listened in to the entire meeting, but Rachel Bilson took a very long bubble bath and sometimes we just have to pay attention to priorities.

Here are some of the highlights of Clemens' discussion with George Mitchell about former trainer Brian McNamee's claims that Clemens and teammate Andy Pettitte used performance-enhancing drugs:

George Mitchell: "Roger, we'd like to thank you and your esteemed attorneys for joining us today. I'd like to remind you that this is simply an informal question and answer session involving the serious accusations that your former trainer, Brian McNamee, made against you and your Astros and Yankees teammate, Andy Pettitte. Before we begin, do you have any questions regarding these proceedings?"

Roger Clemens: "RAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! ROGER ANGRY!!! MUST... BREAK... EVERYTHING!!!"

(Clemens goes on a rampage, flipping tables and chairs over and punching holes in the walls and windows.)

Lanny Breuer: "Mr. Mitchell, please allow me to speak on my client's behalf. He's very emotional about these accusations and has a hard time putting his words together."

Clemens: "KERPLAAAAAAAAH!!! ROGER NO DO STEROIDS!!! ROGER ALL NATURAL!!! WILL... EAT... YOUR... SPINE IF YOU... DISAGREE!!!"

(Roger pulls an IV bag full of blood out of his pocket and pokes a straw in it like a Capri Sun pouch.)

Mitchell: "I completely understand, Mr. Breuer. Again, we want you all to understand that we are treating all of this merely as speculation and will only take into consideration strong evidence from credible sources."

Rusty Hardin: "Mr. Mitchell, could you please define credible sources?"

Mitchell: "Certainly. In this case, the accusatory source that we have is an out-of-work athletic trainer. On a spectrum of credibility, he ranks between a crack smoker and Bill Belichick."

Hardin: "We certainly understand and appreciate your point of view regarding that, however we're also curious to know what Chuck Knoblauch had to say about his involvement with PEDs and anything regarding our client."

Clemens: "CHUCK PUNY!!! ROGER MAKE HIM WEAR LITTLE GIRL DRESSES AND PEE SITTING DOWN!!!"

Breuer: "That's enough Roger, we'll handle it from here. Go play with your chew toy."

(Breuer throws a human femur to the other side of the room and Clemens jumps on it and begins chewing it.)

Mitchell: "Wow, he's really so well behaved and trained for his size and age. As for Mr. Knoblauch, he didn't tell us much that would raise any eyebrows. Basically, he just told us a few stories about Mr. Clemens and Mr. Pettitte painting targets on his rear end and using syringes as darts, but, I mean, who doesn't love a little locker room tomfoolery?"

Clemens: "I WILL LAY MY DEMON SEED INSIDE YOUR SKULL, MITCHELL!!!"

Mitchell: (laughing) "And I probably deserve it, Roger. Mr. Knoblauch also mentioned something about using the name Juicy McHormones for importing Latvian stem cells used in New York Yankee daily protein shakes, but we're just passing that off as guy talk for slinging back a few cold ones. Am I right boys?"

Breuer: "Sounds about right. What about Mr. Pettitte? Did he say anything that we should be aware of?"

Clemens: "ANDY GOOD!!! FIRE BAD!!!"

(MLB Commissioner Bud Selig enters the room quietly, carrying a large white sack with a giant dollar sign on it.)

Selig: "Hey guys, so sorry to interrupt this important session. But I was just walking by and, George, I think you dropped this giant sack of money outside the door. So I just wanted to return it and be on my merry way."

(Selig leaves.)

Mitchell: "Andy? Oh, Andy just told us that he accidentally grabbed a tube of HGH instead of his Crest when brushing his teeth one morning. And then another day he was giving us a urine sample and damned if a bird didn't fly over him and poop a B-12 vitamin into his cup. You know, just some silly coincidences."

Hardin: "Those damn B-12 birds."

Clemens: "I WANT 100 B-12 BIRDS NOW!!! MUST COMPLETE BONE MARROW IONIZATION WITH TITANIUM MOLECULES!!! RAHHHHHHHH!!!"

(Clemens throws a broken bat at Mitchell.)

Mitchell: "Oh Roger, you are the living end. Well, if you fellas don't have anything else to add, I think we're pretty much done here and I am late for my nooner with the Marlins' Mermaids. After that we're going to pin a bunch of stuff on Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield and wrap this whole thing up."

(They all shake hands and laugh maniacally and exit.)